Nobody asked, so here it is: a brand new remote with Jordan Schlansky! https://t.co/zLp8Sp0Kwi

Hear my $900 improvised therapy session with Aubrey Plaza (@evilhag) @ https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/B1MUU0I2AZ

.@Beyonce, last chance to join me in a duet for my album of Irish dance tunes.

@Beyonce, last chance to join me in a duet for my album of Irish dance tunes.

@Beyonce, last chance to join me in a duet for my album of Irish dance tunes.

Right now the FBI is Googling how to get ketchup off sensitive documents.

A flight attendant just asked me to change my seat because “your head is making the plane imbalanced.”

More think pieces on how to properly cook salmon, please.

Talked to a 911 operator on my podcast. I'm still not sure if he called us or if we called him. https://t.co/2VflCmLc4C

I wonder if the FBI found all of his burner toilets.

In true form, @realjeffreyross began this interview by roasting me. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/WVBr7Yn2im

The car warranty bots stopped calling and now I’m nervous I did something to hurt their feelings.

I already knew Kim and Pete broke up because Alex Jones’s lawyer sent me their text messages.

I managed to get booked on my wife's podcast. I was her 8th choice. https://t.co/RlQbNp3HvE

Now I’m glad I turned down the role of Batgirl.

Huge thanks to my fan Kristy for informing me about a Facebook page for people who think I'm "bangable." https://t.co/N1kmA7oaTd

Hear me chat with one of the only cast members from #TheOffice who didn't intern for me, @bjnovak. https://t.co/pfOk236hQr https://t.co/fsXwzgbD7Q

Bill Tull, our prop master extraordinaire for 28 years, died this morning. We always asked the impossible of Bill, sometimes minutes before showtime, and he always delivered. He was a warrior and a legend. Rest In Peace, Bill, and eternal thanks. https://t.co/DpOMU6Bo0L

The White House now says it’s only a recession if you see a salamander wearing a top hat.

My very talented wife, Liza, has a new history podcast that I absolutely love.

https://t.co/2sZxTvkOne